practice the pause

I am not in a good space. Then again, I'm not in a horrible space either.

I am, however, in a changing landscape of confidence, unforgiving doubt, rolling anxiety, simple laughter, and a relentless urge for change.

But, change what?

I'm well aware that there are times in this existence where change for change's sake is good. It's how I picked my first college, ended-up a Communications major, landed in Florida after college, ended-up on a trip to Italy after my dad died.

However, after the past two+ years, I'm not so sure that my body could handle that, nor do I want to stress out the 16 yr old Sir Duncan (dog).

This time feels different, yet similar. As if lifetimes of pressure are building and I want to be FREE.

Free from the strife of modern cultural constraints. Free to be crazy me as much as I'm dependable me (I know...many who know me already think I'm pretty nuts...it's just the tip of the iceberg). To run like Gump (my knees bark at that). To DO SOMETHING. BE SOMETHING. TO BE SEEN AND HEARD in my entirety.

I've spent years being hired for my expertise only to have bosses or clients ignore what I say. I understand they are still paying me, but somehow that's not enough.

The odd thing is, I don't always know HOW I know what I know (especially true in my younger years when I had less experience), I just often know what to do.

I take that as God/Source/Universal Life Force/Collective Consciousness guiding me. Which makes it even more challenging when a client goes a different direction than what we discussed.

For my ego its, "You hired me as the expert, but then don't follow my guidance and now I have to handle the aftermath while you all look shocked."

For a deeper part of me it's simply pure frustration as I see all these amazing possibilities and they can't.

I see the missed opportunities and they think things are just fine. I feel how many people we could reach, help, the lives or communities we can transform...they don't even know the riches in front of their eyes.

This coupled with people (family, friends, loved ones, etc.), the restrictions of the past year+, cycles repeating and I want to jump free of this flesh, this life, this world and go somewhere where I can immerse myself it in more wholly.

Where I am seen in my fullness and listened to wholeheartedly. Where my stories are seen as the wise tales they are woven to be instead of words falling on deaf ears.

I want to walk among the creatives...those who write in colors, dance in waves and sing on the breeze. I want to breathe so deeply my heart and lungs burst from peace and love.

I want out of my human constraints of fear, paychecks and bills, processing through this body.

This human form, however, cannot go to these places...only the mind and spirit can. So, if you're like me, we trip the light fantastic while walking, meditating, doing self-Reiki, making love, being with loved ones, or even reading a book.

And, I pause. I remember I, like you, am made for these times (we know this because we are here, now).

My Popu always said when you don't know what to do, don't do anything. If you can't jump into something 100%, are unsure what to do, or you want to run and you want to stay...pause. Don't do anything you don't HAVE to do. Let the answers come to you.

Our culture says the opposite...try. Push. Do. If that doesn't work try harder, push harder, burn bridges, light up the freakin' night with your flames.

But, sometimes the pushing, trying, doing IS THE RUNNING, the hiding from what is being processed, brought up to be healed, nurtured and freed.

So, after a sleepless night (old dog Sir Duncan had issues) I didn't get up, pack the car and leave town. Nor did I text anyone or respond to texts.

I got up, drank some warm lemon water, worked-out and went for a stroll. And, wouldn't you know, after checking the veg garden and letting D stretch, I glanced up to see a pair of cardinals in the burnt-out tree.

The folksy wisdom side of me sighed as cardinals symbolize loved ones who have passed. The good Lord knows that the vast majority of my elders have crossed over, including my parents.

So, while I still have no idea what's going on in my life, I am at least wise enough to spot a sign from the universe when they fly over me! And, wait to burn bridges until I know I don't want to walk them again.

That my nearly 53 years on this rock have revealed up times, down times and the pressuring days of in-between where our best hope is to feel the intensity, ground as best with can while sitting in the squeeze, look for the signs and practice the pause.

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