The Goal is not "to forgive" (trauma)

I had a guttural reaction to something I saw this morning and while it was first about what I saw, a Truth deep within spoke: “I have to be more ME, authentically me.” Even the dark, silly, swearing, beautiful, magnetic, kick-your-fucking-ass, victim, survivor, thriver, me. The voice gently asked "Where am I not being fully me?"

I am angry. I deserve to be angry (hurt child, teen, even adult). Release it all or just let it Be (wise me). "Somewhere in between me" has tears of anger and frustration, joy and gratitude. To others it make no sense. That is fine. 

Why? Because I can only ever be Me, and you only ever YOU. Not so and so’s sister or daughter, employee, friend. While all that is true on some level, I am separate, as are you. We are each individuals. No one else has ever walked my path or will. Just like you will only ever be the one to live the Life you are living.

Someone else's may be close. But, we walk it alone. Yes, I believe. I believe in God - in and all around me and all things. I believe in angels and guides, all of the magic, awe and wonder.

In the end, this body holds me. When it passes, I, too, shall pass this phase. To where and what? I don't know - something dramatically better I pray. Peaceful. Safe. 

We are triggered when we don’t feel peaceful or safe. Yes, it can look like jealousy, feel like anger, etc. In the end, it is simply the smallest child within us scared out of their spirits and minds.

You can preach every mantra to this child. Say every loving word ever spoken to her/him. But, BUT, until that child feels safe…they are just words. 

Until the nervous system can dump out of the storm of trauma responses, the words are as hollow as a dead tree branch.

What does all this mean? It means everything comes back to FEELING safe in our own bodies and minds. Period. All the locks in the world, all the mantras and manifestation check-lists are SHIT unless you/I/we can soothe our systems enough to let the love and wisdom sink-in.

And, that safety doesn’t come from people saying “I’m trauma-informed…do this!” Or, “Tony Robbins has lived through hell, look at how well he’s doing now…” or “You need to try harder, do more, hustle, pick yourself-up by the bootstraps,” or even “Reset your nervous system. Take a deep breath, soak in the tub, ground.”

First, as much as it sucks, first... you need to be in the shit. In the pit. AND TO KNOW YOU ARE IN THE PIT. TO FEEL the scary feelings and start to know you can be okay in the shit storm....here and now. (AKA - this is now, not then).

That the hormones are real, but what they are telling you may not be factual in this time and space…in this instant…

But, I gotta say - it takes a lot of work off-line, when you are in a safe space, to be able to have the capacity to become aware of the “being triggered” and let the awareness be the hope that leads you home to yourself. 

It comes in relationship. With your Self and trusted other souls. People have to EARN that level of trust. These are souls who respect your boundaries enough to give you space to feel all the shit and stand beside you.

Not to save you. Not to heal you. Not to even protect you. But, to simply love you and reflect back to you that you are not only safe, right in this moment, but that you are magnificent.

Magnificent as a creation. As someone who survived the unsurvivable. Magnificent in all your chaos, creativity and calm. 

And, here’s the fuck-shit of life, you’re going to realize that one of your triggers is the actual art of healing itself.

That peace, safety, calmness, joy, good things happening can be as much a trigger as the horrible…only, without any background knowledge of how to cope with the good.

See, we know how to deal with the bad. Freeze…keep your mouth shut, hide (whether in a room, or in the rooms inside your mind). Run. Get the hell outta of the house, relationship, life…before it kills you.

But the good, the good... That never lasted long. So, when it starts to - how do you deal with that shit? When is the other shoe going to fall? When is the person going to yell, leave, hit?

When is your boss going to suddenly decide you’re too much, too ambitious, too little, too something - and fire you or force you out?

The goal, the goal is not to let go of the past and forgive. You may have to say “fuck that shit” and just move on/let it be. The Goal dear ones is so much more profound that than…

The goal is to be able to enjoy the peace, safety, love and abundance life has waiting for us. 

The point is to be able to be at peace with the feelings of horror even when they come from something wonderful. 

The HOPE is to settle into peace more quickly, effectively, efficiently, no matter what wave you are riding in a given moment, the crest of bliss or the rolling thunder down under the spray.

Oh, to be able to relish it all without the “fix” — the panic, fear, freeze, blow-up the relationship, use food, sex, drugs, etc. To BE. 

TO BE. That, that is the freedom we seek. To cry openly in ecstasy as well as in grief. 

To trust that we can live not confined in the cage of raging hormones of trauma, but in the ebb and flow of Life. Then, what a wonderful world it will be. 

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